clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Insecurities This weekend seems to be a little simpler than last weekend for me. I'm alone with Greg again. My husband is gone all day long and I'm terribly lonely. But what can I do? I'm learning to clean when I get upset or lonely, or feel anxious or whatever. Last night when we got home with groceries I pulled EVERYTHING out of the cabinets and fridge and re-organized it all. I think I scared hubby a little bit, to be honest. I just need to get into the kitchen again, unload the dishwasher, clean it up... again. Then maybe work on the living room a bit. Right now there are glasses hanging out all around the computer, and plate up on the printer. I am not okay with this. Not to mention, Jupiter and her husband are coming over for our Saturday night get-togethers and there is no way in hell that I'm going to let them see our apartment like this. I want to prove to EVERYONE that I'm capable of how I want to live and right now, the way this place looks, I'm not proving anything but myself wrong. I've been told, for so long, how incapable I am of doing anything without help. I guess that is why being by myself with my son scares me so much. I mean, I know I can take care of him, I have thus far and he's been fine. I don't feed him the "normal" breakfast, lunch and dinner. I let him eat as the day goes on, whatever he wants. Which is usually carrots, yogurt, fruit bars, and juice. He doesn't eat junk, as a rule, but he gets the occassional gummy snack and ice cream. Does this make me a bad parent? God, I don't know. There is so much that concerns me. So much that worries me about what I'm doing with my son. With my life. With my apartment, my husband, my new family. I'm so deathly afraid of doing something wrong that it's starting to swallow me whole, some days. And this weekend, I'm alone with my son. The one person that can't really tell me I'm doing anything wrong, OR reassure me that I'm doing just fine. He just... is. For good or bad. That doesn't help. I have no idea WHY my insecurities keep bubbling up and exploding in my face like they have been. There is no one here telling me I'm bad, or lazy, or stupid, or just not doing something right, or just not good enough. Everyone I'm surrounded with right now, from the loves of my life, to my little bro, to even the people I work with, have told me how much they like having me around. Why can't I get this through my thick, self-loathing, skull? I should get to cleaning. It soothes me. Yay. 12:54 pm - 2005-09-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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