clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Changes in the 3 I've noticed myself coming here to DL and staring at this blank white space, trying my damnedest to come up with something to write about. Something profound and deep for the masses. Or, at least, for myself to vent about. My life is good. I've got the apartment I wanted, a job that actually pays decently for the stuff I have to do, I've got a new family being built and two wonderful people that love me to a depth I'll never understand. What's the problem? Why can't I come in here and talk about things like I used to. Why can't I say what I'm feeling here? Is it because I know who I'm going to write about is going to see this and ask me questions? Is it because I'm not sure who is reading anymore, if anyone, and what they think of me? I don't know what my problem is. I don't know if locking up is the option or not. I don't know where the comfort level is for me anymore when it comes to baring all of who I am. When I started this diary, almost 3 years ago, I was lost. I was unsure of my abilities when it came to motherhood and wifehood. I felt so completely alone and afraid in the world that I couldn't handle anything without losing my mind. 3 years ago hubby and I were flat broke, on WIC for our son. We couldn't afford food from week to week, much less a roof over our heads. 3 years ago I was searching for peace. I reached out for one more time to Jupiter and swore to myself that I wasn't going to run this time. I wasn't going to let myself just give up on our friendship anymore. It wasn't fair to her, or to myself. 3 years ago I was so unstable that I'm not sure that my husband and I would've survived together if I hadn't have gotten some help. And now? Now where am I? I'm almost 300 miles away from the only home I've known, surrounded with people who love me in all of loves forms, from family-love, to passion-love. I'm independant. I'm working at a job that provides me both security and the chance to shine at what I do. I'm still a mess, but I'm growing. Love, right now, is the running factor in my life. For years now, more than the last 3, fear has run me. Fear has spun inside of me for so long that I almost feel empty without it. But it's a good emptiness. Now it can be filled with the love that is pouring into my life. How things have changed. How I have changed. 2:12 pm - 2005-09-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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