clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Randomness I haven't really written much about the inner workings of my mind here lately. Or much at all in the past few months, I don't think. It seems to me that I've been writing more about the ins and outs of my life. The relationships, the confusion, the moving, the new job, hurting other people, etc. So, what IS going on in this mind of mine? I wish I knew. It's inside of my own head, and I still don't truly understand my own thought process. So much has changed in my general self that I am no where near the same person I was just months ago. And, yes, I realize that I've said this over and over, time and again, but the change is so dramatic that it's hard to just notice... hard to ignore. I feel more like a woman now. It's taken me until just THIS close to the age of 25 to feel more like the adult I really am. I am a mother, a wife, a lover, a sister in the making... I have been a woman of body for years now, but I'm starting to become a woman of mind. For years I have felt like such a child. I have felt like a little girl that couldn't take care of herself, much less her child or husband. I felt like I could do nothing of importance, and nothing I did was done right. Maybe this was just that I wasn't far enough away from family, since most of them still see me as a child, or maybe it was all my mother's influence. I don't know. But things inside of me are changing. I have been dreading my 25th birthday for years now, but slowly, it's turning into more of an accomplishment, a reason for celebration. I have made it to this pennacle of who I am supposed to be. There are things that still need working on in my life, don't get me wrong. Perfection, or even, near-perfection, is far away from where I am now. Hubby and I have a lot of things to work on together. Jupiter and I have to find a happy medium in our relationship and the emotions of our husbands. Her husband and I have a brother/sister relationship to begin to build. And all of us are trying to find a place, a time, a way, to build our family together. All of these things are things that I'm seriously looking forward to. So much is in the process of happening, so much is on the horizon and beautiful in its dawn. The tension I used to feel over everything just isn't there anymore. I am more at peace and still inside of me. This is the woman I used to be so long ago when I met my husband. Yes, there are still insecurities, and fears and all the stuff that goes with starting new things, but I am having an easier time adapting than I ever have. Things are wonderful here right now, and I'm truly happy. 4:40 pm - 2005-09-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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