clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So Many Questions How do you hold back love? How do you cage it and keep it in its pen? How do you tell your heart no, when every fiber of every cell in your body and your brain is screaming yes!? How can you want something so badly you ache, yet know it's not something that can happen, and if it does... lets just say people will get hurt? How do you take love and tell it to be quiet, to be still, and not to make a single peep? How do you sit it in the corner and make it face the wall? How do you quell the lonliness of their other half? How do you explain that they matter so much more than you do? How do you let them know how much you care about how they're feeling? So many questions. So much unanswered. I feel so in the way. I feel so much like this apartment is the last place I should really be right now. I want to be here, I want to be with her, I want to hang out with them both, but I feel like I'm constantly doing something that I shouldn't be doing. Like I'm eating up their time together and I should really just walk out of the door right now. I spent last night sobbing in her arms. I spent the entire time trying to avoid her eyes because I can't let anyone see me in that much pain. No one. Not ever. Especially not her. Especially not someone who I love so much. She tells me everything is alright, but I can't believe it. Not yet, at least. I don't think she's lying, I just can't accept it. I worry about her husband so much that it makes my stomach turn into knots. I just want him to be happy too. And I know that this is hard, and new and crazy and not something he ever really expected to happen, but I still want him to be alright. I don't like the idea that I've given him something that maybe he can't handle. I don't want him to ever feel alone, yet, if I want to be with her... that's exactly what's happening. I'm sure, in time, things will start to heal and progress, and things won't hurt as much, hopefully not at all. I just want them to be okay, first and foremost. That's my biggest fear right now, and has been throughout. I don't want to come between them, mentally, physically, emotionally, whatever... I don't want to be the stake driving through their marriage. That "friend" that always shows up at the wrong time and can't get the hint to go away. That's what I feel like right now. I just want to be able to give them their time. Now, mind you, neither of them have made me feel this way. I have brought this upon myself. Both of them are genuinely sweet and hospitable, and just welcoming as could ever be. But I still feel as if I'm just in the way. I always feel in the way. I wish I knew how to fix this. 3:24 pm - 2005-09-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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