clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2am Ramble It's late. It's too late for me to be awake without her in my head. My head hurts so much right now that I feel like someone is trying to get out from the inside. I'm cold. I'm tired. I'm nausiated. I've kept the scarier side of my PMS at bay thus far by not being alone and by going to bed as soon as the chance at alone came into play. That way I wouldn't get upset. That way I wouldn't think about anything at all. I've been alone now for over 2 hours and that is bad. That is stupid on my part, I know better. I should know better. I do know better. What do they see? All three of them? Like there's something on my face and no matter what I do, I can't get it off. I feel like I'm constantly on stage and forgetting my lines. I don't know how to perform for three audiences at once. Or two. Or even one. I don't even know where my place truly is. Where my opinions and feelings lay amongst the jumble of everyone else's. They're all allowed to love me. But where does that leave me? I've spent so much time in the cess pool of self-loathing that love has no home here anymore. I don't know how to shelve it. I don't know where to place it in my head with all the insecurity, self-doubt and hatred that is taking up every room. I've been playing with my hair all night. Half in remembrance of her, and half to make myself remember that I'm alive. That there's a body outside of this mind. I have to go. I need to puke. I need to take something for my head. I need to sleep. 2:02 am - 2005-09-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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