clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sobbing I can't handle this anymore. I can't handle the pain involved in this entire situation. It feels like every time I turn around someone is getting hurt. Someone is crying, someone is in so much pain they can't handle it. Someone I love is hurting. I've had a headache all morning and had still felt increasingly nausiated, so I went back to bed once my husband left at 10am. Then around 11:30am, I woke up to the sound of my mother walking around the house sobbing uncontrollably. I'm talking the body-shaking, gut-wrenching sobs. The kind that you only do when you've lost someone. Laying in bed, barely awake, I listened for a minute to see if she was going to come in my room and tell me some kind of horrible horrible news about someone getting hurt or killed, or something. That's what it sounded like had happened. But instead I heard her pottering around the house, doing laundry, putting things away, etc. I knew it couldn't have been something extremely terrible if she were still doing "normal" everyday things. Once the sounds died down, I got out of bed and went into the bathroom. I made a lot of banging around noises so that she would know that I was awake. So that if she didn't want me to see her crying, she had time to stop and clear her face. Instead I walk out into the living room to find her face red, tears coming down her eyes, that from-the-gut crying, and she was packing my son's toys. This is what set her off. For the past almost 2 hours she's been packing and crying. Packing and telling me how much it hurts. Packing and telling me how hard it's going to be to not have him around anymore. Packing... and making me feel like the biggest asshole on the planet for taking MY son to a better place for all of us. She and my stepfather have left now. Both of them crying. He more discreet and doing it in their bedroom. At least they have each other to cry on. I've got the dogs right now, and that's about it. I know it sounds selfish, but shit, it's not like this is the easiest thing in the world for me to do either. I didn't do this on a whim and with no regard to how it would make anyone else feel. This is something that's been discussed for months and is just now happening because of a fluke in the company I work for. I want to call someone right now to talk, but hubby's at work. And Jupiter and her hubby are spending the day together. I've already tried calling once and got no answer. But I understand. I just need someone to talk to. 12:58 pm - 2005-09-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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