clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2am Panic I should know better than to stay up late alone in this house. I should know better by now. Every time I do, I get into a crazy panic that I can't shake and that leaves me feeling incredibly lonely and afraid. We're moving in less than 2 weeks. Less than 2 weeks and I will be hundreds of miles from the only home I have EVER known my entire almost 25 years. What the FUCK am I thinking? I know I need to get away from my family long enough to discover my true self. I know that being around people that love me unconditionally can be nothing but a blessing. I know that doing this is probably the most healthy thing I have ever done in my life. But I'm terrified. I'm absolutely, down to my bones, terrified of all of this. I have no safety net after this happens. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get through things all alone? I'm so scared that I can't even control myself right now. I have no idea what has come over me to want to move all the way across the state with absolutely nothing to fall back on. Have I truly lost all of my mind this time? I understand I'm moving mostly because of Jupiter, and that I want nothing than to be around her, and her husband, because they are fabulous people. I love them both dearly. But what am I supposed to do if I fail? If I need someone to catch me? I can't expect them to do that for me. They have to live their lives too, and I know that. This is panic, pure, unadulterated, panic. I am terrified beyond my wits right now and it's late, and I'm alone and this always fucking happens this late at night when I haven't gotten enough sleep and I should've been to bed hours ago. Only one hour ago, I was truly happy and at peace with everything going on. Now, 2am comes along and snatches all of it away from me. I want to scream. But that would wake everyone up. I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is alright. I know I have been wanting that a lot lately, but I can't seem to help it too much. This isn't the time for me to be the strong one. I need to let it all out, let loose and just cry. I am scared. I am lonely. I am afraid of failure. What is going to happen??? 2:00 am - 2005-08-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||