clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Busy Busy Busy I am so tired. No... if tired had a bigger, meaner, uglier, stinker brother... that's what I'd be right now. My brain has had absolutely no time to rest. There is so much being flung at me right now that I'm starting to crack under the pressure. My world is blurring and I just can't stop it from spinning anymore. There's Jupiter in all of her lovliness. There's her husband in all of the confusion and insecurity. There's my husband in all of his strength and composure. There's the new job which I'm terrified about. I have a little anxiety when it comes to new jobs. There's the apartment issue, which we got turned down for the first one we applied for. Now the hunt begins and I'm the one stuck doing it, of course. There is time, and money and heartbreaks. My life is busier than a soap opera right now and I'm really not handling it all that well. Yea, sure, I may seem fine. I've focused, mostly, on the well-being of everyone else. I want Jupiter and her husband to be alright because there are things going on there that I'm not even ready to discuss within my own brain, much less, here. I'm so worried about them, all I want is their happiness together. Then there's Jupiter and me. That couldn't be more perfect right now and I want to focus on that. I want to just dive into the memory and live there for a little while, but all of this other crap floating around won't let me. I feel that I'm not doing her, and our time we had together, justice. And then there's my hubby. He's become the most calm, cool and collected man I've ever come across. He's sturdy and strong and I don't think I'll be able to do any of this over the next month, month and a half, without him by my side. I am waiting for his composure to crack, but I've yet to see any signs. My mom seems to actually be handling things better than I expected. She's not happy, but she's resigned herself to the idea and is at least talking to me again. One plus on an entire board of confusion. I can't take any more of this right now, though. I really can't. I've already had to shut myself down, shut off and be completely numb, twice this week, and I'm starting to move towards it being a third time. I just want to sit down and cry. And not because I'm sad, or upset, or angry. It's just that there are so many changes going on right now, so much is shifting and moving and sliding across that the growing hurts. I can't wrap my brain around anything in particular right now and it's starting to drive me to the edge of my own sanity. My heart hasn't stopped racing in the past 4 days, I mean, honestly hasn't. Maybe in my sleep, but there's been so little of that, that I don't think it really counts. I wish breaking down were easier to do right now. I'm so stuck in professional "get-this-shit-done-now" mode that I can't feel. I can't hurt, I can't stop. There is a spinning top inside of me that just won't lie still. Relaxing is so far from an option that the word seems foreign. 1:37 pm - 2005-08-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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