clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Scars Remind Me... I've been acting a lot more girly now that I've been involved again with Jupiter. I've noticed that when I'm solely with a man, I act more like men. I don't shave, I don't wear make-up, I dress down a lot. And when I'm with a woman, I act more like a woman. I've been shaving regularly, I've been wearing make-up again and caring about what I wear. This is odd to me, but it's not my point. Being that I've been shaving my legs on a regular basis lately, I've been noticing things that had stayed hidden for so long. Scars. I used to be a cutter. I still have that desire inside of me to do it when things become too painful, but I don't do it anymore. I know now how little it really helps, and how much it hurts the people I love.. that love me. But I didn't realize that after all these years (5, I believe) the scars are still there. I was amazed, actually. I ran my fingers over them to feel if they still held all the memories that put them there. Of course, they didn't, but I wanted to know. It seems the past is in full swing lately. Teaching me things I should've learned years ago, but chose to forget, hoping that it wouldn't hurt so much. Now, I just ache for that girl that felt she had no other choice. That girl that wanted to love so badly, that felt so unloved. She was the picture of misery. Now, I'm not saying that I'm having a full-blown pity-party over here, because I'm really not. I couldn't be a happier person than I am right now, happier, or more in love. I think these things are coming back to me to show me what I've done to get here. And to tell me not to take all of this bliss for granted. That was such a different time, such a different life, and I was such a different person. But I made it through for the better. And my scars? Just reminders that the past is real. 11:24 am - 2005-08-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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