clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Letter to Mom My whole life, I have been reaching out to you. My whole life I have wanted nothing but your approval and your unconditional love. My whole life you have shown me how inadequate I am and how I am nothing but a manifestation of your mistakes. You were so afraid that I might get fat that you had me on a diet at 9, and doing excercise videos with you and your friends. And ever since I have done nothing but gain weight steadily over the years. I have wanted you, so badly, to just understand me. I just wanted you to know that I loved you and wanted nothing more than to make you happy. Your disappointment was my greatest fear, and still is, to this day. During my teenage years I stopped caring. I couldn't block the pain of adolecence long enough to worry about how you felt. But I hid a lot. I hid how much I cut. I hid that I was in love with another girl. I hid that I smoked weed. I hid that I smoked cigarettes from the time I was 14. I hid how much pain I carried because Dad left. I hid that I wasn't the perfect daughter. I hid that I wanted nothing more than to just wake up dead more days than not. I'm still hiding. I'm hiding that I'm still in love with that girl from so many years ago. I'm hiding that I'm not a Christian. I'm hiding that I can't stand the woman you've become. I'm hiding that I think the way you raised me, and the thoughts you put into my head were completely fucked up at times. You asked me, when you'd caught wind of the rumors flying around the family gatherings, if Jupiter and I were... how did you put it... "together". I denied it. Why did I deny it? Because for years, from the time Kali came out of the closet, you begged me not to be gay. You looked at me, straight in the face and begged me... "please don't be gay". Did you ever think what that would do to me if I were. Because at the time, I was in a gay relationship and I wanted to share with you the joys and the pains of it. I wanted to come to my mother and share with her that I was in love and that I was happier than I had ever been in my whole life. But I couldn't do that. And it drove me further and further away from you. You turned your back on me when I needed you the most. When I was living in squalor and being eaten alive by a flea infestation that wouldn't go away. I froze every night that winter because coming home would inconvience you. I got so sick. I couldn't leave my bed... or my thin couch mattress on the floor, that is. You have taken me in since and given me a roof over my head. But you have also taken control from me to raise my son. You have dismissed any authority I have over him and you have shown me everything that I never ever want to teach him. The guilt, the shame, the self-loathing you passed onto me, stops with me. I have to figure out a way to tell you that I'm leaving you without hurting you. It's almost an impossible feat. But I am leaving. I'm going to a place that offers me a level of support that you could never fathom. A place where being myself, regardless of if I'm gay, or fat, or a failure in your eyes, is completely accepted. I love you, but I will no longer let you have reign over my life and my son. I will no longer let you berrate my husband in front of me. I will no longer let you run my self-esteem into the ground. I love you, mom, but it's time for me to go. 11:41 pm - 2005-07-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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