clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Of Fears and Venomous Women Today has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I stayed up well past 3am this morning talking to Jupiter, and really delving into some of the nitty gritty of our issues. I have a fear of doing something wrong and her running away. She has a fear of scaring me away. Fear is such a horrible creature because it invades even when it's not needed. The talking was good though. I think it was something we both really needed to do. There were some particular wounds that I had that came up and I hadn't realized how incredibly deep they were until I started to clean them out. I shook, I cried, my chest felt like there was a lead weight sitting on it and I couldn't breathe. It was that feeling of losing her all over again, the not knowing, the fear. Things were better by the end of the conversation (much better) but I still felt this twinge of an ache in me that I couldn't shake. I was tired, I went to bed. Then, this morning, as if the first dew of dawn washed my fear away, I felt refreshed and excited again. Last night she told me that this is a lifetime thing. She isn't in this for the fling of it all, she wants to be with me the rest of our lives. I woke up giddy with that thought. I woke up, kissed my husband, and we whispered our excitement over our son's head as he woke up. He's as excited as I am. We all have our baggage to bring into things. But there was something about what we talked about last night, the promises we made one another, the promise of working things out if they get rough, that helped to start the healing process of things from so long ago. Things I'd moved past, forgiven where needed, understood the reasonings behind, but never truly gotten over, it seemed. But I can feel those cracks in my heart slowly closing up, slowly growing new cells again and healing beautifully. The hardest part for me, now, is the waiting. I'm so afraid of something going wrong between here and April (the tentative month for moving) so that everything falls through. I have to trust that this is right for all of us and put my faith in fate. Fate has brought us here and fate is bringing us all together. Fate has brought to me the woman I loved so long ago back to me to really love again. I have to trust. Each paycheck makes me giddy knowing we're just that much closer to where we want to be. We're that much closer to getting a place where we can be ourselves and live in love and freedom. My family came to visit today (psycho aunt, grandmother, cousins, great aunt) and it was so stifling that I literally felt as if I were unable to breathe if I were in the same room with all of them. They are so critical of one another, so bitter, so mean. Everyone knows more than everyone else and everyone has to be right all the time. It's like I was in a room full of forked-tongued beasts, so hungry for food, that they turn on one another. That isn't the kind of family I want my son to grow up in. I understand I was born into this family, but my heart and soul have found another family to start in Jupiter and her husband. All four of us have our problems, but none of us are as vicious as the women I have been surrounded with my whole life. I almost went in there swinging when they called my son fat. He's NOT fat. Honestly. The boy is the size of a 5 year old, in height and in weight. They said he had a big belly, he doesn't. He has never been overweight for his height, every doc appointment has labeled him as perfectly healthy and hearty. Luckily he didn't hear them. Luckily he was preoccupied with his toys. I will NOT let what happened to me with weight, happen to him. When we get to move over there, he will have a much more freely loving environment to grow up in. Where his natural personality is allowed to blossom aside from all the negativity that my family spews out every time they're around. My my, I've gotten off track here. My main point is that I was so afraid of all of this last night, but something happened in the night that brought it all back into focus. It came into view and it was lovely. Our lives are coming together to form a beautiful picture, it's just the process that is a little scary. 6:20 pm - 2005-07-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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