clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Surreal Life of Love If this weekend has been anything, it's been surreal. For the second time, my husband and I drove over to the other side of Florida to visit Jupiter and her husband, Shane* for the weekend. Last time we went, I was sick, and it was a very short visit. Not really something that was really enjoyable. The visit last time, in early April, was akward in the most extreme fashion. No one would even sit next to each other. This is the first time I'd ever seen Shane, and the first time I'd seen Jupiter in about 5-6 years. They'd never met my husband. Needless to say, it was uncomfortable. In the time between then, and now, Jupiter and I have done quite a bit of talking in emails. And one night, while lying in bed with my husband, he coaxed out of me that I still loved her quite a bit. For the longest time I thought it was just a love of memory, or a love of her ghost, but I finally came to terms with the fact that I never really fell out of love with her. Being that my husband and I are polyamorous-minded, it was something easy to talk about, and easy to incorporate into our hearts and minds. Shane, on the other hand, isn't at that same level, and that was a worry. I decided to tell Jupiter that I still loved her. I had suspected that she still loved me, but I didn't know for sure. Well, it wasn't much of a question after this confession, so we kept talking about it. About boundries, and lines that shouldn't be crossed. Where the comfort level with Shane was, etc. And then, since we'd talked everything out, and everyone involved knew what was going on, we decided a visit was in order. It wouldn't be quite so akward this time. Everyone knew what was going on. Much simpler, much more relaxed. We got there about Midnight Friday night, came in, blew our air mattress up and went to bed. Saturday morning was fairly uneventful. We watched it rain out the back porch as Dennis started throwing feeder bands at us. We went to lunch and got some seriously good Chicago-Style Pizza. The odd thing was that Jupiter and I kept gradually getting closer. It started with finally sitting on the same L-shaped couch and her toes maybe touching my leg. Then in the backseat of the car, my arm would touch hers. We would smile, catch eyes, then both look away. The whole day was like this.... until later that evening. I suppose around 5pm or so, she and I were on the couch under the blanket hubby and I brought because it was cold. The men-folk were sitting on the floor playing video games. Her leg was up against mine, and we let just the pinkies of our hands touch. From there it's such a blur. For hours we sat there, under the blanket, holding hands. I couldn't breathe. I was holding the hand of someone I'd loved so long, but had been unable to admit to it, or even express it. Something about that simple, innocent touch, brought me such pleasure and made my heart beat just that much faster. The men switched the game and she and I went to the bedroom to watch TV. We lay there and held hands some more. She played with my hair. It was incredibly intimate. Then the husbands came in and joined us on the bed, in a giant dogpile of cuddling. (Get your mind out of the gutter! No, nothing happened.) Then we went back to watch the TV in the living room and the two guys fell asleep, so Jupiter and I went outside into the stair-well to talk. And boy, did we talk. We held hands, we layed our heads on each others shoulders, we kissed each others hands, wrists and heads. We were sweet and nervous and acting like teenagers on a first date.... at least that's how I felt. I came clean on everything with her. I talked about everything I felt, every fear, every concern, every dream and wish. What I wanted, what she wanted, what the husbands wanted us to do, or not to do. We talked about comfort levels and consequences. And then, somewhere around 4 o'clock in the morning, I was sitting on the stairs, she was standing in front of me, and I couldn't resist any longer. I leaned forward and we kissed. That was the most sensual kiss I'd experienced in a long time. Don't get me wrong, my husband is an amazing kisser, but kissing a woman has a much different level of erotisism. A big line had just been obliterated. I was shaking, she was shaking, neither of us could catch our breaths. It was truly an amazing moment. She stroked my face with her hands and that alone brought me such true bliss that I was befuddled. We stayed out there until 5:30 in the morning. Probably around two and a half hours. Talking, kissing, nervously laughing and non-stop smiling. This was the very absolute last thing anyone expected to happen. I was afraid her husband would freak out. I was afraid I'd done something I shouldn't have. But it just felt so right, so good, so... her. I talked to mine, and she to hers, and it seems that all is well. We were even holding hands while they were in the room. There is a line right now, a quite obvious one, that mustn't be crossed. That is something frustrating us both to extents no one could possibly understand. I do love her. And I do love my husband. I feel so balanced in my heart right now. I am not denying any feeling I have for anyone in my life and it's so incredibly freeing that I'm stunned. But now I miss her, now that I'm back to my real life, and that's hard. After about 8-9 years, we've finally learned how to talk to each other. How to be honest and open and truthful about feelings. There is an amazing warmth in my chest when I think about her now, and when I think that the four of us are growing close. Shane is really a good man, and my husband likes hanging out with him, which is a HUGE plus. It wasn't akward this time. It was open and honest. And so incredibly surreal. I am in love. With my husband. With Jupiter. I kissed a girl, then went to bed with my husband. I am happy. And this time, things will be much different. *Names have been changed to fuzz-up the trail. 5:53 pm - 2005-07-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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