clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kitchen Panic Last night I had my first panic attack that I've had in a good long time. And over what? Dishes. Having to do dishes. Ever since I've been doing the whole FlyLady thing, I've been doing fairly well with the whole panic about the kitchen issue that I've had a lot in the past. But for some reason last night, I just couldn't handle it. I stood in the kitchen, my hands clenched together staring at the sink filled with murky water and grimy dishes. And on the countertop next to the sink, more nasty dishes. I just stood there, and looked. I stood there, trying to figure out what to put into the dishwasher first. And if I took that one dish, what would I do next and would I have to put something gross on the counter to clean up later. That's when the tightness started in my chest. This huge ostrich-sized egg of a lump began rising up into my throat and I couldn't breathe. I realized what was happening to me and I wanted nothing more than to sit down on the floor and cry. But I just kept staring at them, like something would come to me by looking at that pile of dirty dishes for so long. I thought that maybe, if I just concentrated, I would figure out where to begin. But I couldn't do it. I had to ask hubby for help, even though I promised that if he unloaded the dishwasher, that I'd load it. I felt so guilty that I couldn't handle doing the effing dishes. It's rare that I have these attacks much anymore. I'm starting to train myself to stop, take a breath, and attack the problem from another angle. But this time I just couldn't avoid it. Hubby had to take me over to the couch, sit me down, and unclasp my hands for me. I was squeezing so tight that my fingers had turned bright red and bright white. And they were throbbing something fierce. I sat and cried as I listened to him doing the job I promised I would do. That's when I started to cry. The guilt over the entire scene was so overwhelming that it just made it all that much worse. I guess I should be thankful that this is something that happens less and less often nowadays, but it's still something that's hard to deal with. I feel badly that my husband has to deal with his damaged wife all the time. He never complains, but I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with me. Hopefully this is the last one I have for a while. My mom and I cleaned the entire house today and I was fine. I was able to do everything without having any problem whatsoever. I was even able to do the dishes all on my own as well as cleaning the entire kitchen. Thankfully it's all done now and I can relax a little bit. 1:24 pm - 2005-06-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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