clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Changing and Staying the Same As I've mentioned before, the shower is the only place, and the only time that I actually get to do any real thinking anymore. Today, I spent nearly 45 minutes in there, singing to Fiona Apple's "When the Pawn.." CD that I've just recently found again. This CD got me through some really rough, really lonely, really hurtful times around the age of 18 and 19. The time was scary, confusing, and very dark. Times now, not so dark inside. More of a blankness. More of me trying to find out exactly what I want in my life, and exactly how to balance everything out into myself and my well being. But I realize, occasionally, how little removed I am from that raw sore of a young woman that I was at that age. I realize how little I've truly learned about myself, or those in my life that I love. I'm trying so hard to learn. To embrace change, and like the river around a rock, move with it, instead of against it. But I'm finding that I really don't know how. The harder I try to be adaptable, the harder I feel I'm running against the same wall over and over and over again. It's hard, and painful. Just when I feel I'm doing something right, I'm shown each and every error, proving once again that I'm not perfect. I'm not a good friend. I'm not a good wife or mother. I'm not a good daughter or employee. I've always tried to be exactly what everyone wants me to be. All at the same time. It's rare that I ever am myself. So rare that I swear that woman is dead. I need to be someone else. 1:18 pm - 2005-06-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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