clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Missing Daddy As time goes by, I'm finding it more and more difficult to communicate with my father. On Greg's birthday, he dropped by with a gift for him and I mentioned that we should try to get together on Memorial Day since we all had it off. I called him today and he made no mention of it. We spoke of pension plans and hurricane damage. That's it. I finally had to hang up because it got so incredibly akward. It was an abrupt goodbye. I sat in the hallway, on the computer chair, on a pile of bathroom rugs with a mop in my hand, just staring at the phone. I knew my father and I had a strained relationship, but I never realized how uncomfortable it was to talk to him anymore. We have nothing to talk about. We never really did, but I never thought it would come to this breaking point. Calling their house isn't easy anymore because I've found a deeper loathing for his wife. Since my step-sister has found out that she's pregnant with a boy, I've heard nothing from my step-mother but how much she would never want to have a boy child, and how she doesn't want anything to do with boys. As much as I don't really like that woman, that really hurt me, deeply. It's like I got it shoved in my face that, again, I'm not good enough to have a relationship with my father. Again, I'm not the golden child. Even though I was the one that graduated high school, I was the one that got married to the father of my child as soon as we found out we were pregnant. I thought having a boy would help my father and step-mother since they'd both lost a boy baby. But now I see the reasoning. I thought having a boy would pull us closer together, but now I realize that it only pushed us further apart. There's a part of me that misses my daddy. There is nothing like his arms when things got tough. But he's long gone, I've realized. The man I call "dad" now is nothing like the man that raised me for my first 14 years. I miss him. 1:19 pm - 2005-05-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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