clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is this Place? I don't know much how to write here anymore. I don't know how to be open and honest with my audience, or myself. There are people in my life that read this here journal and I have to keep a few things secret, or at least not talk about them here in public, so as not to hurt them, or reveal things that might have them look at me in a different light. On the same note, I don't want to move my diary to another address because those who've been coming here for the longest, or those who are loyal, I don't want to really uproot them, or myself for that matter. It would just all be way too out of my comfort zone to go somewhere else. I'm going on three years here in September, I like Diaryland and it's communities. I already use one alias here for Jupiter and I don't mind doing it, because I understand the circumstances behind it, and why she requested them. But when real life comes into contact with the digital world, it's hard to make the mesh. How do I talk about her here as a person, a friend, and also as a past, as a lover. How do you reconcile the two? I don't know, anymore, how to come here and just unleash my emotion like I once did. Now it's more a teeter-totter between my breakdowns and the monotony of being a wife and mother. There is no deep heart-felt, soul-searching emotion going on here anymore. I don't come in here to hash out things that have been culminating in my head for far too long for me to handle on my own. This used to be a place to talk about things that I couldn't talk about to anyone face to face. But that's gone now as well. I talk to my husband about everything, not to mention he knows this site very well, and I'm not really sure how much he does, or doesn't, read it. I can't put things here that I don't want him to know immediately. Like gifts, or secrets, or whatever. Nothing specific. This place isn't my sanctuary like it once was. Now it's more of my obligation to come in here and let you all know what's going on in my life. I know that's not what anyone is asking of me, but it's how I feel. And now, knowing all of you through your diaries like I do, I censor my complaints, my issues, my pain, because I don't feel as if my real life tragedies can measure up to the true ones that any number of you are having. I'm not trying to have a child and struggling with fertility, I don't have any number of classes I'm taking to share with the world my artistic joy, I don't have a father to worry about, or a brother for that matter, I'm not in a rocky relationship, I've never lived, or even visted New York City, and I'm not even close organic or vegan. This is just me. Just me, just being boring and just being melodramatic. This is just me, overreacting to the world around me. Living day to day, not knowing what I want from my life, but knowing too well, too deeply, what everyone else wants from me. This is just the girl with the canyon in her chest with no idea of how to fill it. I'm just a girl finding it difficult to come to terms with her age and her adulthood. Going on 25, still feeling as if I'm 12. Just a woman torn between a desperate mother clinging to her only child, and a husband wanting to get away from all the pain and pettiness. Torn between her friends wanting her around, and her family forcing her to be around them. So where am I in all of this? Where is the truth of my existance. Have I found myself and where exactly did I get lost? I want to be candid. But sometimes the voices shut me down. My mother telling me to get up and do something. My husband reading over my shoulder, trying so hard not to hurt him. Jupiter and her alter-ego, not sure what to say, trying to be honest, but afraid to take it too far. I'm not good enough, I'm not... I'm not anything enough. I guess stopping here would be a good idea. I've written more than enough to offend a number of you I suppose. But diaries are supposed to be about revelations, and true feelings. Well there you go. There they are. 1:11 pm - 2005-05-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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