clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My Son's Loving Magic I want to start dealing with things in a more productive way. I've had my son all day today. And yes, this is something that I'm not particularly used to. He is in daycare during the week and my husband is home at least some of the weekend to help me to take care of him. Today has been all about me. Today has been totally my responsibility. It's hard. Especially right now, because he's in our bed screaming because he's pissed that I'm not laying down with him. We're working on getting him to sleep on his own and it's a very difficult process. Yes, I realize that he's almost 3 and we should have this down pat. But we don't. And we're working on it slowly. Yes, he sleeps in our bed. Yes, I realize that he should be sleeping in his own, but it doesn't work that way for one reason or another. I hate to hear him cry. Even if it is only out of anger, and frustration of not getting his own way. It still kind of hurts my heart to hear him. I feel like I'm abandoning him or making him feel unloved, or unwanted. But that's not the case at all. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm a good enough mother for him. I don't want him turning out to be violent, or mean, or not a functioning child, then adult. I want him to live a happy life where he gets to fulfill all of his dreams. If he wants to be the most successful drummer/doctor there ever was, I will be there, standing behind him, supporting him. He's truly beautiful. And in the swarm of emotions that I have been feeling lately. In the crazy times that have been swallowing me whole, he is my light. Even when he's screaming, kicking, hitting, testing his boundries, I realize how much he has saved me. And he has. I have always heard that it's not a parent's job to teach their child, but a child's job to teach their parent. That a parent will learn more from their own offspring than they could ever offer back to them. It's true in so many ways. My son has taught me what unconditional love really is. That a mommy or daddy's kiss can heal any bump, scrape, or cut. He's taught me the joy of waking up an hour before the alarm is supposed to go off with drooly kisses and lots of belly laughs. My son is my saviour. Don't get me wrong, my husband gets me through the most difficult times in my life, but my son will make me smile when I feel like there is no more sunshine left in this world. When the sky is falling, he shines down a single ray for me to hold onto. Yes, he's still crying, yes, he's making me anxious. But I know tomorrow morning, when I wake up, he's going to be there full of kisses and hugs and love. Life hurts right now, there's no doubting it. But sometimes a little love helps to heal the wounds. 9:12 pm - 2005-05-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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