clrmehppygrl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What Kind of Paradise? I haven't written here in a while, I know. I don't know why either, there has been so much going on in my head. So much to talk about, so much to get out so that I will be okay. Yesterday I hit rock bottom. Yesterday was hell. We're overdrawn something crazy in our account because of one stupid check I forgot to subtract. I feel so stupid because of it too. I don't know why, but it's getting harder and harder to come here and actually say what I'm feeling. I feel as if I should make it entertaining as well as soul-baring. I can't do all of that. And if I loose readers, then, I'm sorry, but this time in my life is more scattered and confusing than ever before. I can't keep myself steady anymore. My emotions are going haywire. One minute giddy, happy, silly and as soon as I hear one little thing that's negative, whether it's financially related (as in tonight) or the bagel I put in the toaster gets stuck, my mood takes a crazy nose dive. This is not normal. I don't like feeling like this. It's almost as I see myself going off of a cliff and I can't hear myself yell "STOP!!" When these things happen, there is this huge knot of fear, and tension, and anger, and anxiety that balls up right where my stomach is, then it runs up to my throat and starts to choke me. That's when I loose it. I shake, I cry, I scream. I act, by all means, like a 2 year old. I can't control this. This heavy feeling right in my throat, like it is right now. I can't keep it in check. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to hit something. But most of all, I want to be able to go into my head and think things out. As soon as a thought hits me anymore I push it aside and pile it up with every other lost thought of mine. I want to relax. The only time of the day I relax is when I'm sleeping. And as much as I'd like it, I can't do that 24 hours a day...... i would love to do that 24 hours a day... Am I depressed? Is this the downswing to my manic? Is it my hormones? Is it my anxiety, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Is this still hold-over from the robberies? I don't know what any of this is. All I know is that it's affecting my marriage, my relationship with my son, and the rest of my family. If I were alone. If I had no one to hurt. If no one would suffer a heartache.... I'm not really sure if I'd still be in this world. And if I was, I'd be either, drinking, or smoking SOMETHING constantly. I need escape. I need peace. I need something to fill this canyon growing inside of me. It hurts to feel so empty when you have absolutely no right to. 12:02 am - 2005-05-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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